Thursday, January 9, 2014
People think I am strange because I love rainy days. Don't misunderstand me though. I love to stand outside with my face in the sun and just soak every second in like a tulip in the first morning light. I stretch and I smile and I enjoy it all. Just, more days than not...I love a big gray cloud in there somewhere.
So with all those sweet little dandelion thoughts that just bloomed out of no where, I will tell you that I have been super stressing work. I feel myself getting caught up in piddly things. I don't like this decision, and I don't like being left out of that situation, and I definitely don't like the ripple effect I am feeling all around me. Then, my soul quiets down and I hear God's sweet hum of a whisper...."Look up" but there are no puddles to remind me...just a sweet moment. He tells me that the ripple may be all around me but it isn't me. It isn't my ripple. Be patient. Be strong. Be still! Let the world ripple.
I think so often we maybe the rock next to the rock that started the ripple. No matter what that rock is at the bottom of the lake. The ripple never touches it, never sways it, it never moves. The rock does not care. It's foundation is firm. It will lay here until it is time to move on and no little series of waves can even disturb the rock. It is solid. I have decided to be the rock.
Pretty soon my dynamic at work will change. I have been very nervous over that (I personally detest change and dealing with new people....you just never know when that bad piece of chocolate is going to pop out of the box and ruin your day..you know the one I am talking about...its why you eat 32 halves before you decide to risk that one piece may not be in there. Tonight, I attended a school board meeting. R-I-P-P-L-E ... NO, TSUNAMI effect!! These parents were HOT. I heard the same lame excuses come out of their mouths that I breathed a year and a half ago. Suddenly, I realized....I am THAT person...THAT parent that everyone hates to have around in moments like these. I won't go into detail...I will only alleviate you mind to know that I did not speak. I did not tell these people that kids are resilient, or that they are going to deal with it fine, or that the biggest obstacle was the PARENTS....no...I stayed quiet and ate my crow. Tomorrow, I will be writing a letter of apology to the superintendent for acting like these people. For losing my ever-loving mind over absolute non-sense, and for using my children to justify my unspeakable fear of change and inconvenience.
Then, like a tornado on the Nebraska plains...it hit me...I was still that person, just now I have a different focus. I decided to follow Exod 14:14 (Scripture is almost magical when the numbers repeat to me....like a little smiley face in the bible perfectly placed by God) and know that I have no battle to fight. I just stand still among the ripples, steadfast, letting God do his thing...no worry....no anxiety....no stress....just me, my spreadsheets, my headphones and the Frozen soundtrack....living like Olaf in the summer!!
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
My wonderful hubby and I watched This is 40 yesterday. WOW! What an eye opener! It was hilariously a lot like our life...that moment where they are at the breakfast table and she is making lunches (and probably starving because, well, she obviously hasn't had time to eat as the wolf pack is inhaling deliciousness in front of her working fingers....can you tell this is a norm for us too??) and she asks him to help....I just DIED laughing. So my life. She was balancing life all la-tee-da and they both had different ideas and dreams...its just so Americana, isn't it? To be able to both have all these dreams and to take a chance to make them happen...just WOW!
So after the movie hubby and I, of course, got into this long conversation about what we want and what it is costing us. Everything comes at a price and sacrifice. We both feel like we have been living like 18 year olds and the usual conversation is simple: "Don't just step on it, pick it up" "why is it there in the first place?" "Who knows? just pick it up" "If I didn't do it, why should I have to clean it up?" "It was probably the kids, you are right there, you get it" "Ok, in a minute" ...4 days later when the house is trashed beyond explanation....someone finally picks up the origin of the issues. He has been saying to me "We are not a good team". In my head I hear "Why cant you hold down a job and clean the house and get things done and not inconvenience the rest of us?" In his head, "We need to step up our team work and stop being lazy." Either way....failure....neither leads to constructive resolutions.
Today, I had to work from home because with hubby's field he can't take off on days like this at last minute. (NO need to express how blessed I feel that I can do this). But, I about LOST MY MIND!!! My house is way behind....a really good word is TRASHED!!!! I had to make breakfast, lunch, snacks, drinks, start a special birthday dinner, I need to go pick up a cake, I need to do SO MUCH!! I feel extremely overwhelmed. I start thinking (DANGER DANGER) about all the mundane questions people have been asking me. So I thought I would answer them
1. Don't you feel more productive?
Answer: Absolutely not...I feel like my dog when she chases her tail for 30 minutes...repeat every hour on the hour
2. Don't you feel validate?
Answer: for the first 2 weeks yes. Now, I just wonder if I will ever catch up
3. Don't you cherish spending time with your kids now?
Answer : Surprisingly enough, they seem to get on my nerves even more. I run all day in a hectic atmosphere because of a current company transition, just to come home to 2 kids who have no desire to do anything else in life but fight. My office is for the most part quiet and always tranquil...my house...not so much
4. How good does it feel knowing that you are bringing home a paycheck?
Answer: I pay Zaxby's on Monday, the gas stations on Friday and come summer time...I have to pay day care...really...I could do without the extra few hundred bucks and have my life back to normal.
5. Did you take a picture of your first paycheck in 8 years?
Answer: Yes....because no one would shut up about it! I, personally, didn't care!
6. Don't you enjoy your time off even more now?
Answer: ITS MISERABLY FULL OF EVERYTHING I WOULD HAVE DONE WHILE THE KIDS ARE AT WORK! I have no time for friends, family, or fun....the 3 F's I lived for after 3 pm every day of the week!
Now, in saying all this...I don't hate my job, I don't hate having a job, and I do feel like supermom some days. I just needed to put it out there that my heart is torn, quality time SUCKS if it can only be spent in 30 minute increments and I hate having to dictate constantly...which is all I do right now. I am sure once a routine settles in over the next year, I will feel better. I am sure as the kids get older, it will get easier.
I scoured the internet before I went back to work...Looking for someone, somewhere, that was pouring their heart out for people like me going back to work after a long stent of being a SAHM and there wasn't one out there that I could find. I wanted to put it out there in case some other heartbroken mommy was toying with the idea or trying to find solace in a hand recently dealt by life. Sometimes being a working mom rocks...and some times it rocks me right off my foundation. Either way, I am too blessed to be stressed until someone runs out of underwear....usually first thing Monday morning HAHA
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
What a strange year 2013 was. So many twists and turns. So many highs and lows. So many stagnations and fast forwards. In the end....we slept in the new year. 2013 was busy. I honestly don't remember most of it. I want this year to be different.
I am going to make a list....not of resolutions but of personal goals. More like a to-do list. I want to put a check by each one as I accomplish them...like Dave Ramsey's baby steps!! Always moving forward with Gazelle like Intensity. I may not make all my goals this year. But if I only focus on moving on up I life then I have never failed at my attempt to succeed.
To often I feel that we set standards and realize that we aren't meeting our standards so we just quit. If you take a day off great there are 364 left. If you take a month off ...ok there are 11 more just like it.
I feel like we give everyone but ourselves a second-tenth chance to change, to do better, to just try again. Why don't we deserve that much from ourselves? This year I will resolve to love myself more. To treat myself with more respect. To say only nice things about myself to myself especially in the mirror.
In the end find time for you, be kind to you, love you more, do what's best for you and for your family, read a good book (try a free Beth Moore book or two or three or four) and just love the life you have been so richly blessed with.
Happy New Year