So it's is Froze-in Tuesday here in the south. Yes the entire rest of the country is laughing at us but that's ok. I was able to stay home and work today with my babies and a warm fire and....well....those people laughing at me??? yeah, not so much.
My wonderful hubby and I watched This is 40 yesterday. WOW! What an eye opener! It was hilariously a lot like our life...that moment where they are at the breakfast table and she is making lunches (and probably starving because, well, she obviously hasn't had time to eat as the wolf pack is inhaling deliciousness in front of her working fingers....can you tell this is a norm for us too??) and she asks him to help....I just DIED laughing. So my life. She was balancing life all la-tee-da and they both had different ideas and dreams...its just so Americana, isn't it? To be able to both have all these dreams and to take a chance to make them happen...just WOW!
So after the movie hubby and I, of course, got into this long conversation about what we want and what it is costing us. Everything comes at a price and sacrifice. We both feel like we have been living like 18 year olds and the usual conversation is simple: "Don't just step on it, pick it up" "why is it there in the first place?" "Who knows? just pick it up" "If I didn't do it, why should I have to clean it up?" "It was probably the kids, you are right there, you get it" "Ok, in a minute" ...4 days later when the house is trashed beyond explanation....someone finally picks up the origin of the issues. He has been saying to me "We are not a good team". In my head I hear "Why cant you hold down a job and clean the house and get things done and not inconvenience the rest of us?" In his head, "We need to step up our team work and stop being lazy." Either way....failure....neither leads to constructive resolutions.
Today, I had to work from home because with hubby's field he can't take off on days like this at last minute. (NO need to express how blessed I feel that I can do this). But, I about LOST MY MIND!!! My house is way behind....a really good word is TRASHED!!!! I had to make breakfast, lunch, snacks, drinks, start a special birthday dinner, I need to go pick up a cake, I need to do SO MUCH!! I feel extremely overwhelmed. I start thinking (DANGER DANGER) about all the mundane questions people have been asking me. So I thought I would answer them
1. Don't you feel more productive?
Answer: Absolutely not...I feel like my dog when she chases her tail for 30 minutes...repeat every hour on the hour
2. Don't you feel validate?
Answer: for the first 2 weeks yes. Now, I just wonder if I will ever catch up
3. Don't you cherish spending time with your kids now?
Answer : Surprisingly enough, they seem to get on my nerves even more. I run all day in a hectic atmosphere because of a current company transition, just to come home to 2 kids who have no desire to do anything else in life but fight. My office is for the most part quiet and always tranquil...my house...not so much
4. How good does it feel knowing that you are bringing home a paycheck?
Answer: I pay Zaxby's on Monday, the gas stations on Friday and come summer time...I have to pay day care...really...I could do without the extra few hundred bucks and have my life back to normal.
5. Did you take a picture of your first paycheck in 8 years?
Answer: Yes....because no one would shut up about it! I, personally, didn't care!
6. Don't you enjoy your time off even more now?
Answer: ITS MISERABLY FULL OF EVERYTHING I WOULD HAVE DONE WHILE THE KIDS ARE AT WORK! I have no time for friends, family, or fun....the 3 F's I lived for after 3 pm every day of the week!
Now, in saying all this...I don't hate my job, I don't hate having a job, and I do feel like supermom some days. I just needed to put it out there that my heart is torn, quality time SUCKS if it can only be spent in 30 minute increments and I hate having to dictate constantly...which is all I do right now. I am sure once a routine settles in over the next year, I will feel better. I am sure as the kids get older, it will get easier.
I scoured the internet before I went back to work...Looking for someone, somewhere, that was pouring their heart out for people like me going back to work after a long stent of being a SAHM and there wasn't one out there that I could find. I wanted to put it out there in case some other heartbroken mommy was toying with the idea or trying to find solace in a hand recently dealt by life. Sometimes being a working mom rocks...and some times it rocks me right off my foundation. Either way, I am too blessed to be stressed until someone runs out of underwear....usually first thing Monday morning HAHA